Consumed Parenting

[quote] I am the Lord your God… You shall have no other gods before me.
Exodus 20:2-3 [/quote]

Kids are incredible gifts, but they make terrible gods.

There is no debating that neglect is evil. Failing to appreciate and nurture the gift of children is abusive, profoundly offensive to the glory of a heavenly Father, and damaging to the little ones made in His image. However, neglect is not the only form of bad parenting.

CONSUMED PARENTING

Another form of bad parenting —and it is a sneaky one— happens when parents become entirely consumed by their children. When this occurs, it often happens unwittingly, when well-intended parents let their parenthood evolve into a subtle idolatry with their kids at the center of their functional universe. This isn’t an issue of having too much love for our children (which is impossible), rather, it is an issue of losing touch with reality and Biblical priorities to love God and others as well.

Some consumed parents become ‘helicopters’, worrying and smothering obsessively. Others tragically live vicariously through their kids’ accomplishments or failures. Whether the issue stems from not trusting God will protect your kids or because you get your self-worth or identity from them instead of Him, the results are damaging nonetheless. Sadly, the child-obsessed parent becomes too consumed to notice that their spouse, friends, and health has suffered because their unhealthy infatuation with their child has numbed them to the needs and importance of others and God Himself.

HARMING KIDS

Counterintuitively, consumed parenting is also damaging for children as well. Children who are fixated upon can grow up intensely insecure, nervous to perform, and with a broken view of relationships. In this day and age, many young people suffer —and make others suffer— from narcissistic tendencies; struggling socially, at school, and later on at work because they can’t seem to understand why the rest of world doesn’t revolve around them.

Spiritually, you will struggle to point your kids to Jesus if all you do is aimed at them as the ultimate focus of your existence. If you point towards your kids, but ultimately past them, to Jesus, you will show them the One who loves them more than anyone —including you—, the only One who can give them an unfading identity, purpose, and be their ultimate source of confidence. In fact, one of the most loving things you can do for your children is to show them you love God most and take Him more seriously than anything else. This God-first priority will provide you with accountability, power, and grace to help you be at your best as a parent. When your children see you live focused on the real Center of the universe it will help them take Him and others more seriously than they take themselves.

[quote] “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Matthew 22:26-29[/quote]

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER

Do you let your children interrupt your friends and constantly distract you from others in social settings? Do the urgencies of your kids come before the priority of your spouse?

Are your plans and schedule dominated by your child (e.g. their temperament, moods, or demands), or is your family led by Biblical vision, priorities, and principles?

Is it possible that an unhealthy devotion to parenthood has damaged your marriage, physical health, or relationships with close friends? If so, chances are you may not see it and need to ask others to help point this out to you…

Do you withhold punishment or consequences because you fear unsettling your kid’s happiness or that simple consequences will ultimately hurt them? (See Proverbs 13:24)

Does your identity and ultimate happiness depend on your child’s milestones, behavior, and happiness?

GOSPEL LIBERATION FROM CONSUMED PARENTING

Consumed parents need to repent of their idolatry and believe the Gospel so that God can redeem their parenting, as well as their souls. After all, a truly flourishing life starts with, hinges on, and continues with the grace of Jesus (John 10:10). Since God was willing to give His only Child to redeem everyone else, parents shouldn’t hesitate to add God and others to the equation. Finally, parents who are not consumed will not only bring about more balanced and healthy relationships, but will also make space to glorify God and cause lasting joy for their kids and others in their community.