Forgiveness

Forgiving someone who has hurt you, is tough stuff. Especially when the pain of the offense is the ugly kind that may be with you a long, long time! What is forgiveness? What does it look like? How would you answer these true/false statements on forgiveness?

• A person should not be forgiven until he/she asks for it.
• Forgiving includes minimizing the offense and the pain it caused.
• Forgiveness always includes restoring trust and reuniting a relationship.
• You haven’t really forgiven until you’ve forgotten the offense.
• When you see someone hurt, it is your duty to forgive the offender.

So, how did you do, with your little quiz? All five are false statements.

You’re thinking, “Huh?” Here’s what forgiveness is not:

It isn’t conditional

For believers, forgiveness is to be offered unconditionally. It isn’t deserved at all by the offender. It’s not bargained for, or based on some cheap promise that the offender will never do it again. If you say, “I’ll forgive you, if…” – that’s not forgiveness. If you offer forgiveness – your offer may go frustrated. The offender may not even know in some cases. If they do know, and don’t care – a believer still offers. Frustrated forgiveness may last a long time. But we forgive, simply because Christ has forgiven us.

It isn’t minimizing the seriousness of the offense

That’s when you say, “Hey, it’s no big deal!” “It’s OK.” It’s when you just kind of sluff it off, and pretend it didn’t really hurt that bad. Real offense is sin, which cost Jesus His life. Sin hurts. Sin needs to be forgiven. On the other hand, sometimes we magnify things and use forgiveness for all kinds of stuff that forgiveness has nothing to do with. Let’s say that you don’t like the way I dress. Or, you don’t like that way I wear my hair. If so, I don’t need your forgiveness – I just need your acceptance.

It isn’t resuming the relationship without changes

This is one of the most misunderstood concepts of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not the same as restoring a relationship. You may be afraid to offer forgiveness because you think that if you do, you’ll have to go back into an abusive relationship. Nope. Restoration can take a long, long time. To trust relationally, again, has sideboards attached like: demonstrating genuine repentance; making restitution when appropriate; and allowing time to prove an offender has really changed. Forgiveness is something we can’t do without Christ. But offering it also doesn’t guarantee the relationship will be restored.

It isn’t forgetting what happened

“You just gotta get over this, and move forward. You gotta forget this!” Nope. There’s something better than forgetting. It’s this: having the confidence that God can somehow bring good out of something bad. See, you can’t thank God for things you’ve forgotten.

But you can remember Romans 8:28, And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose, and Philippians 4:13, I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Then you will begin to see through two lenses: the lens of grace, because Christ offered you forgiveness when you didn’t deserve it. And the lens of God’s sovereignty, because He is able to use even this for good, when we cannot.

Forgiving someone who has hurt you is tough stuff. It’s only through Christ that we can forgive…as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must forgive – Colossians 3:13.