The Value of Confessing to One Another

By Carl Bussema

[intro]Hi, my name is Carl, and I’m a recovering sinner. Odds are, if you’re reading this, you’re a recovering sinner too.[/intro]

Take a minute now and think: when was the last time you confessed your sin, not just to God, but to another Christian? I want to be clear; confession of private sins (those of the heart and mind) to fellow believers is not expressly commanded in Scripture; the only command you’ll find is James 5:16 which talks about “confess[ing] your sins to one another, that you may be healed,” and that’s in the specific context of being sick. Still, we can benefit from confession.

There are two main reasons for confession: first, because you have wronged someone; and second, because you are struggling with a habitual sin. There may be other reasons, and in some cases, your confession may fall under both categories, but the general principles here can guide you in those other situations.

Confessing to those we’ve sinned against

As Christians, our actions reflect God’s image. We all sin, and all sin is between us and God (Psalm 51:4), but our sin often affects those around us, and we need to consider what picture that shows. God does not harm his children for his own benefit; the Gospel message is exactly the opposite—he sends his own son to selflessly die for all of our sins.

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we don’t sin against our fellow believers. We know that we sin, but we write it off as minor or “victimless.” Consider some simple examples, and while you may not have done any of these particular sins, maybe you will be reminded of something similar:

• You and some friends go out for dinner but can’t get a split check. You offer to figure out everyone’s share, and wind up overcharging everyone else. (Stealing)
• You park too close to your friend’s car and nick their paint when you open your door. You don’t mention it, hoping they won’t notice. (Lying / Stealing)
• Your coworker tells you something personal, privately. You repeat it to other coworkers. (Gossip)

If you sin against someone, you should humbly seek forgiveness by confessing your sin to him or her. In Genesis, we read about Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery. We know that God worked good from this and they were eventually reunited, but that did not excuse the brothers’ guilt. When he learned that Joseph was alive, his dad Jacob made sure to tell his other sons to ask for Joseph’s forgiveness (Genesis 50:16-21). We would do well to follow this example (that is, seeking forgiveness, not selling your little brother into slavery, no matter how much you think he deserves it!).

When you confess, be honest and direct, and do not make excuses or try to downplay what you did. Remember, sin has earthly consequences, and your confession does not suddenly make everything right or put things back the way they were. Be prepared for them to be hurt or angry, and be willing to leave after you’ve said what you need; the other person may need time to heal before continuing whatever relationship you’ve had.  If the person is your spouse, consider counseling or at least talking together with a more experienced married couple.

Confessing to seek help

Beyond the case of direct wrong, there can be spiritual growth from confessing sin to trusted Christian friends or mentors. Sin thrives on secrecy, and many habitual sins form a negative reinforcement cycle: you sin, the Spirit convicts you and you properly feel guilt; in this guilt, you feel unworthy or unfit to talk to God; in your spiritual darkness you sin again, and the cycle repeats. Sometimes, talking about our sins can help us break free, and certainly your fellow believers can lift you up in prayer.

If you’re looking for help with sin, first consider whom you should talk to—you can reduce some potential for bad situations by selecting wisely. Look for a mature Christian whom you know well and whom you trust. Someone younger in the faith may not know how to respond, and someone you don’t know well may just be confused or indifferent. If you’re in a Life Group, your Life Group leader is an excellent candidate, or even the entire group if you all know each other well.

Establishing a relationship with an accountability partner, such as your Life Group leader, can help. This person will check in on you frequently and can be a resource when you’re facing temptation. The ongoing relationship can help prevent or reduce relapsing and backsliding, as your partner takes on the responsibilities of continuing to ask how you are doing and being available to talk and pray when you’re facing immediate temptation. Together, you can learn to identify triggers and vulnerable situations, and work to prevent or avoid them.

Above all, no matter why you are confessing, be sincere and humble when you confess. Take time to gather your thoughts and pray before you confess. Don’t make excuses or be evasive; but simply and honestly state what you’ve come to say. You may not get the response you are hoping for, or not immediately, but you can grow spiritually no matter what the outcome.

Image Credit: Dagny Mol